Write. Be specific, stay real, let it be as raw as it is; that’s the point. That’s the point of writing about it. Where I cannot write about it, I ask why? If I cannot express it in art, what am I hiding from myself? Is there anything I’m hiding? Or is it only a constraint on time and headspace holding me back? The latter, for sure… And these days, when I say headspace, I mean that there are those who are insistent that writing about most things will self-incriminate. I disagree.

It is liberating, not just for the self.

Not writing uses more mental resources. Not writing results in rumination and invasive thoughts, both of which have been used against me, both of which have resulted in leaks, if you will—spillages that aren’t easily cleared, that might have otherwise been articulated at least well enough to not generate the response and reception the overspill did.

Note to self: KEEP WRITING. NO MATTER WHAT. And remember: it’s only as meaningful as you are prepared to be open. If you cannot explore, if you cannot dig into your own depths, you cannot speak or write truthfully. That’s not something I really struggled with until perception of others overruled my core.

There are those who copy and claim deep truths as their own, crediting only themselves, obsessed with the impression they leave on others, too eager to capture limelight yet too unruly to accept blame, rendering themselves incapable of self-excavation, blinded by their projection of urgency and their need to bolster self-worth… they see it mirrored where it does not exist… yet, their distorted view would grow clearer if they dug a little deeper into themselves instead of mining, or undermining, others.

Too many have looked at me and seen only their reflection. It is clear that the projection burned a little too long in the wrong spot.

I am not afraid of my reflection.

 

Image by Couleur via Pixabay

Excerpt from current draft of book two in the Immisceo series.

(Includes spoilers.)

 

They stole through the forest like shadows, breaking through the thicket as dawn broke in the sky. As they left the forest, Ardeo moved fast beneath them and Luciana allowed herself a fleeting moment of peace as a fierce breeze whipped against her face, enough to make her eyes water. Nate clutched her waist. The solid warmth of him at her back should have been comforting. Instead, it was a tightening noose around her neck. 

He was right. This mission was dangerous. As dangerous as the five before it—perhaps more so with his presence—and the closer she drew to Amara, the likelihood of fatality grew. Losing Eli had very nearly broken her—in fact, it had—but she wouldn’t rest until she’d sought some semblance of justice, so here she was: fractured, shattered, barely holding the fragile shell of her existence together, and if anyone else perished for her sake, she’d fall completely apart. 

Nate refused to understand. Her quest, though he never said as much, must have seemed foolish. Petty. And although keeping everyone at arm’s length was, to her, blatantly and obviously sensible, Nate doubled his efforts to stay close and involved, seemingly sprouting eyes on the back of his head and who knew where else, just to keep one on her at every flaming hour of the day. 

His fingertips pressed into her waist and she choked back a cold wave of fear. If anything, trying to deter him was having the opposite effect, and now—foolish or not—they were both riding blind into imminent peril. 

As the pink sky bled to a brilliant cerulean blue, Luciana slowed Ardeo to a gentle trot. She scanned the area to her right. If they kept going forward, they’d reach Campana by sundown, but the flashes of scenery she’d seen in Amara’s recent dreams were not of the city. Working from memory alone, she followed the skyline, tapping into her instincts and fine-tuning every flash in her mind. 

She gave a sharp tug on the reins and Ardeo veered off the path, trotting along at the base of low, rolling slopes and kicking up orange dust. 

‘Are we lost already?’ came Nate’s voice behind her. 

She ignored him, surveying the landscape with a concentration not even he could break. 

The place was familiar. In the short time she’d spent tracking the Mimic, she’d encountered it twice already. Which meant Amara was choosing to stay in one area—albeit a large one.

‘That’s Rubeus Crag,’ Nate said, pointing to their right. 

Luciana followed his signal and squinted at the jagged red cliff in the far distance. She nodded, shielding a hand over her eyes and sweeping the land with hawkish precision. ‘There,’ she said, more to herself than Nate. Before he could respond, she flicked the horse’s reins and set off at a gallop in the opposite direction. 

They pushed on across a desolate plain towards a mere shadow on the horizon—too incongruent against the landscape to be natural. It shimmered and grew, taking form as they drew closer, and when Luciana and Nate dismounted, they stood in front of a decrepit grey building. 

‘What is this place?’ Nate hitched Ardeo to one of many bone-dry trees. ‘Have you been here before?’

Luciana shook her head. ‘Only through Tracing.’ She pulled on the weathered door and it creaked open. ‘It’s perfect for her purposes. Secluded… clearly out of use.’ 

The barn was falling apart at the seams and the bones of the house that had once stood next to it was little more than rubble. Hazy sunlight funnelled through the gaping roof of the barn, spotlighting the barren interior. Wind whistled in the cracks of the walls, filling the space like ghosts. The whole place felt like a burial site. 

And the dead body in the middle of the floor didn’t help.

They approached the corpse as if expecting the fallen man to leap up and launch an attack. Luciana stepped around the body, suppressing the urge to recoil at the frozen fear on the dead man’s face. Crouching, she nudged the body until the man lay flat on his back, then she pressed her fingertips against his cold temples, shuddering as they made contact. 

‘What are you doing?’ Nate said.

‘If Amara let slip even a morsel of information, this is where I’ll find it.’

‘But he’s—’

‘Dead? Yes, I can see that.’ Luciana held her breath and summoned the last shred of patience. ‘It hasn’t been long. There’s a window—between death and… beyond. If I’m quick, I can still access his memories. Especially, the recent ones.’ She paused, struggling to stay detached. ‘His last memory is all I’m really interested in,’ she said, then she turned her back on Nate and made contact with the corpse once more. 

The connection between minds opened as easily as ever but instead of crashing over her and immersing her within, the memories remained static—fixed and fading fast. Luciana latched onto the nearest fragment, hurtling through the head-space as much as pulling it toward her. 

The dismal barn in her peripheral vision disappeared, swallowed whole by darkness. As her sight adjusted, the scene opened up before her. 

Lights flickered in windows high above her; small waist-high barrels glowed orange in the alleyways, warming their huddled groups of beggars and orphans—and up ahead, the dead man strode towards her, quite alive, and not alone.

The two sets of footsteps rang out in the quiet city streets. The cloaked men to whom they belonged pushed forward with purpose, silent but for the thud of their shiny boots against the ground. The living dead man, taller of two, clutched a leather-bound tome. His companion clutched a pistol, though his status as protector or aggressor was not yet clear. 

As they approached, Luciana instinctively ducked into an alley, forgetting her convenient invisibility. Only when the men drew parallel with her hiding spot, did the feeble glow of the rundown city allow for recognition of the dead man’s companion. Luciana drew a sharp breath, her gaze roving about the face of the other man: the wide brow, the chiselled jawline, and the deeply etched scar cutting along his right cheek. 

Garrett. 

She cursed under her breath. Of course Nate’s brother was tangled up in this. She should have drawn that conclusion long before now but somehow, she’d talked herself out of it. 

Having him under her roof certainly kept her blind. As did sharing her bed with his brother.

Fists balled at her sides, she swallowed her rage and waited for the men to pass, then she tailed them through the deserted streets. Even in the darkness, she knew their destination before they reached it. The stench and ruin of Campana hung in the air and only when they reached the high walls of a large estate did the air clear, filling with the warm yellow glow of the lamps at its borders. 

Amara’s estate had been deserted for as many weeks as Luciana had been tracking her, but right now, the stately mansion was lit up and swarming with leather-clad guardsmen. Luciana slipped through the gate behind Garrett and the male witch, taking in her surroundings with a shrewd eye. It brought a reminder of a much less easier entry into the same building weeks earlier. Nate had charmed his way in and they’d spent the night searching for a way to save her son. She’d had hope then—only a morsel of it—but it had been there just the same. Her cause now was altogether more self-serving and completely devoid of hope or anything like it.

The men entered the house and descended the staircase leading to the hoard of rooms on the basement level. 

Another meeting? 

This floor housed the meeting room she had encountered months ago through Nate’s memories; it was proving to be the most eventful level in the house. 

Despite having landed in a memory much father back than she’d intended, if she could eavesdrop on one of Amara’s cosy huddles she still stood a chance of salvaging something worthy. 

She held back as the men padded through the red-carpeted corridor and a fierce kind of yearning blossomed inside her chest. It didn’t last long: the men bypassed the meeting room and Luciana’s heart sank. 

Another door at the far end of the hall stood ajar though and as she approached, the murmurs within grew louder. Her pulse raced as Garrett ushered the witch across the threshold and she crept in behind them.

‘Contrary to popular opinion, Darius, late arrival is more infuriating than fashionable.’ Amara, immaculate as a portrait, stood front and centre at the helm of a sloped lectern in the candlelit room. A long line of darkly-robed figures gathered before her in a ceremonial procession. 

The Mimic fixed the male witch with an icy glare, her pleasant, sing-song tone at odds with her sharp expression. 

Luciana’s palms prickled. Heat sparked along her wrists. 

There she was. 

Amara. The Mimic who had so much to answer for but possessed no answer adequate enough to give. 

‘Noted, Mistress.’ Darius kept his dark head low, leaving Garret’s side and scuttling forward, anchoring the formal line-up. 

‘Well,’ Amara began, her gaze moving among the many faces before her. ‘Now that we’re all finally here’—she threw a pointed look at a sullen Darius—‘let’s begin, shall we?’

Luciana shook the energy from her hands and inched to the front of the room. She snuck alongside Garrett, noting the awe-struck look on his face and squashing the urge to smack him in the head. 

‘Have each of you brought the grimoires?’ Amara cast a swift glance among them to confirm it. ‘Garrett…’

Nate’s brother stepped forward and pulled a double-edged blade from his belt. Amara reached into the depths of her cloak and produced a pale, opaque stone. 

Amethyst. 

Luciana’s eyes widened in recognition. Tingles spread across her palm as though the flesh itself recalled the frightening power that had since coursed through the same jagged stone; the searing heat as magic bound to flesh, the blinding shockwave at the joining of power to blood, carving through her veins like a thousand blades, filling her with a force that was not hers to possess—Immisceo magic—her son’s magic. Without warning, tears clogged her vision and for the millionth time, she found herself transported back to that night, to the tower, to Eli… 

She jumped as Amara’s voice sliced through the memory. ‘Let’s begin with our latecomer,’ Amara said, placing the crystal on the lectern. ‘Darius…’ She beckoned him forward with a pale and dainty finger. 

With hunched shoulders and a gait that suggested a longing to dwindle if only he’d dared, Darius approached the Mimic. Amara set the single candlestick farther back on the lectern and gestured to the male witch. He set his grimoire atop the pale wood and bowed his head. 

‘Your palm, if you please.’

He pushed his sleeve back and offered his palm, concealing all but the faintest of tremors as he held his hand aloft. 

‘This will only hurt a little,’ Amara said, her gleaming gaze not altogether sympathetic. She ran the blade along his palm and squeezed until blood trickled onto the closed cover of his grimoire. ‘Place your wound in the flame,’ she said.

Darius balked but obediently followed her order. The deep crimson gash on his palm gleamed in the light of the candle, and as he hovered the open wound over the flame, he couldn’t suppress a wince. 

Amara reached for her own book and began murmuring in a tongue foreign to Luciana’s ears.

The blood on the witch’s grimoire bubbled, scorching into the binding of the book. The flame of the candle intensified, engulfing the witch’s hand in a torrent of heat and setting the lump of amethyst aglow with power. His knees buckled and a pained cry escaped his lips. Then, as quickly as it had raged, the candle’s flame settled once more, leaving an eddy of smoke and a swollen but closed scar at the centre of Darius’s palm.

He let out an audible breath. 

‘It is done. The channel is open. You have my gratitude, Darius,’ the Mimic said. ‘And rest assured, as always, your family will remain safe from the Duciti as long as you remain close enough for the stone to access your magic should I need it to.’

Darius nodded, shuffling back to the line on unsteady feet. He looked to the witch next to him—a young woman, no older than twenty. Her wide gaze flickered from Amara to the exit and back again. 

‘Who’s next?’ Amara crowed. ‘Don’t all jump at once.’

 

*

I’m currently writing this book, the second in a fantasy fiction series; I’m approaching the ‘messy middle’ of the story. After a long break, and a lot of rather extreme personal challenges, I’m looking forward to returning to a challenge I find a familiar comfort in: facing the blank page and creating something with the magic of words and the imagination.

You can read the chapter preview from book one here. 

Immisceo Taken — Shona Clingham

More info about the Immisceo Series is available here.

Book One Immisceo Taken is available on Amazon. (External link.)

 

Note: NO AI whatsoever in book content. Perish the thought.

Feat. image by Kevin Schmid via Pixabay

 




As a person, you are judged. Regardless of where you take or make your stand on any spectrum, if you’re alive, you will be judged, try as you might to avoid it. You’re judged when you’re too straightforward and judged when you’re too vague. You’re judged if you stand up for yourself but you’re also judged if you simply let someone take advantage of you. You’re judged for taking yourself too seriously and judged for not taking yourself seriously enough. You’re judged if you’re too fat or too thin, too well-groomed or too unkempt. You’re judged for what you appear to be.

What about what goes unseen?


I don’t mean the stuff that happens behind closed doors but rather the deeply-rooted cluster of pain inside a person that spills over into their waking life. Does it appear as it is? A molten, stinking mass of unresolved issues and barbed despair? Or does it look like random sick-days due to mental exhaustion? Or a binge session on a Tuesday to escape suicide? Maybe it looks like an empty shell, a vessel without a captain, someone who tunes in and out of a conversation without meaning to. Maybe it’s posing as a bubbly and vibrant presence, polite and pleasant and holding it together, only to fall apart catastrophically when finally in a safe space.


Where have all the safe spaces gone?


‘Why the fuck do you need a safe space, you pansy?’ boom the voices at the back. ‘No one ever mentioned a safe space back in my day.’


Is it possible that a lack of such a space is what bred generations—an entire culture—of misguided social expectations, which led to an overwhelming proportion of the population being riddled with anxiety, laden with trauma, and filled with a sense of self-loathing that many traditional so-called ‘values’ only serve to perpetuate?


Is it possible we’d need less of a safe space if we’re allowed to be who and what we are without so MUCH intense pressure? Is it possible that the pressure that fuels change and innovation for some is the same pressure that overburdens the so-called weaker members of society? Maybe innovation can show up in other ways for other people? Is it too much to comprehend that we don’t all need the madness of competition to drive us to great things? That perhaps, stability and routine and sameness and simple peace and quiet and privacy are just as effective when it comes to productivity or creativity.


Maybe peace and madness looks a little different for all of us. If we’re not hurting anyone, why should our methods and choices be any less significant? If we are hurting someone, we should be removed from the situation. In all cases, we should be assessed for the right support and course of action. We should not be burnt at the stake without trial. We should not be penalised on assumption alone. We should not hear only one-sided testimonies. We should certainly not lose our autonomy or have our entire identity dismantled and rebuilt according to someone else’s instruction.


Do we not all matter? Are we not all human? Are we fucking accepting diversity or are we not?


No human is better than another; conditions are what shapes us and if those conditions were not desirable in early years, we spend the rest of our lives trying to reshape ourselves, all the while standing miserably in a mould that doesn’t fit, all the while listening to the messages the world sends us about how misshapen we are, all the while being expected to fit the new moulds they hand out—and be thankful while we’re at it.


Does anyone care if we don’t fit the mould? Does it matter?


When we are called inappropriate to a degree that it changes us internally, we become different versions of ourselves. Not all of those versions are better. Not all of those voices claiming improper behaviour are correct. Not every opinion counts or holds merit. When we take onboard the advice and feedback of others without paying attention to who we are as a person, we can become so internally disfigured, so unnaturally modified from our true self that we begin to fracture. We split and splinter and unravel; we follow different threads of ourselves: one for our parents, and one for work, one for going out, and one for going out out (which is really only possible with social lubricant and lots of it), one for the quiet group of friends and one for the rowdy group of friends and one for the group of friends who wholly ‘get’ us, one for our partner and one for our child and one for the person on the other end of the phone who has you pacing the floor like a warden, and somehow, in the midst of all these loose threads, there’s that last little knot, holding it all together, but incapable of weaving the threads into something whole, something worth looking at, something worth having… or at least, that’s the truth I’ve accepted.





Time, and place, context be damned, there is always someone, somewhere waiting to judge another. It’s hard to remember that our lives are our own. Our shape is ours to take. Our tapestry is ours to weave. Yet, we spend so long caught in an endless cycle of pushing expectations onto one another, from parent to child, partner to partner, adult child to elder parent, peer to peer, round and round, consistently overlooking what is true and right for the individual.


I don’t want to make this mistake with my own daughter. I want to have a view that is wide enough to see who SHE is. The things she does will differ from day to day and moment to moment and this should not be a full reflection of her character but of her ever-changing capability in ONLY THAT MOMENT. She will choose who she is, or perhaps she will simply BE who she is if she grows up in a world that gives her the freedom to do just that without unreasonable and unfair expectations.





We are expected to be flexible in a rigid system that does not allow for the nuances of the human experience.







When we burn out from trying too damn hard to lean towards what society demands of us, we are called lazy and good-for-nothing and when we fight our bodies’ needs and try to focus on even a single aspect to make up for this, we’re called obsessive or workaholic or pedantic or anal. 


We are told our thinking is too transparent and when we try to counter it, we’re called manipulative.


We’re criticised for having idealistic views and when we try to see only what’s in front of us, we’re called cynical and tactless.


We are called childish, and weird, ridiculed for having obscure and/or intense interests and hobbies and humours, and when we repress these aspects of ourselves, we become lost and are called useless.


We internalise those labels. When we see that behaviour, we reach for our most primary experience with it and hurl those same cruel labels at another person and they scoop them up and hoard them around until they have a chance to throw them back at someone else. We end up hurting one another because we’ve been hurt. We see ourselves as a bundle of inadequacies and have it reaffirmed over and over and over again only to go on and reaffirm someone else’s inadequacies further along the line, creating a web of broken humans laden with the self-belief that they are beyond repair.


When the world wants you to toughen up and be resilient, it really is difficult to do that and stay just soft and kind enough to see suffering with compassion and without hasty judgement. I may never get the balance exactly right with any of the other things society has us believing is all-important — but for myself and those around me, I have redoubled my efforts to fine-tune this and rebuild trust within myself.



‘How little do they see what really is, who frame their hasty judgement upon that which seems.’ Robert Southey

 

Header image via Pixabay + Canva

Claim back the tools you trusted others to wield. Fix yourself.

 

Take a deep breath and find the strength to be authentically you.

 

Embrace yourself. Own your traits; the good and the bad. There is a large grey area between black and white. Change the lens and see in colour.

 

Remember: in stating the truth, it might be met with discord, but consider how important it is to stay true.

 

You have been afraid. But you have determination. Don’t mistake anger for determination or it will lead you astray; separate the two.

 

Let yourself feel the hurt others inflict if you can’t avoid it—then find a way through it.

 

It is better to admit fear than betray your own nature.

 

You know who you are. Don’t allow interference. Don’t BE swayed. Sway if you choose to, but keep your feet on the ground.

 

You are responsible only for yourself.

 

You are not gullible. You are kind. You are not stupid. You are forgiving. Forgive yourself, too.

 

Remember: Everyone is worthy but not all are trustworthy. You, also, are worthy. You must trust yourself.

 

Respect is earned; you don’t have to tolerate disrespect.

 

You have a right to stand up for yourself. Do so, as needed.

 

You have reasons to live. Don’t give up.

 

And for f#@!’s sake, don’t lose your head.

 

 

 

“Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.” George Orwell

 

Life is full of lessons. Unfortunately, there’s no handbook. And let’s be real: even if there was one, we probably wouldn’t read it. We’d struggle along anyway, convinced that we know the ins and outs without the need for instructions, setting up our lives like it’s nothing more than a bookshelf from IKEA. Still, there are a few lessons I wish I’d been privy to. It would have saved me time. It would have saved me all those years ‘in the trenches’ with nothing but my self-doubt for company. Here are seven things I wish I’d known when I was younger.

 

1. Take Chances

There are a million reasons not to try. You could fill a stadium with those reasons: What if it’s the wrong decision? What if you’re not good enough? What if you fail? If you never try, that’s the same as failure. Success is rooted in taking chances. Don’t wait for permission. You may not get it nor do you need it.

 

2. Don’t Wait

It’s easy to put off doing the things you want to do simply out of complacency. Don’t wait until you’re ready. You’ll never be ready. Ready is a perpetually mythical state of being; it simply doesn’t exist. There’s only now.

 

3. Do the Work

How many times have you told yourself ‘I really want to XYZ, if only I had the time/skills/money/[insert excuse here]’? It’s a hard lesson to learn but despite the reasons we concoct for ourselves—often so legitimately constructed that we start to believe them—the only thing holding us back is ourselves. If you’ve got something you want to do, do it. Don’t invent obstacles. Instead, take steps to get to where you want to be. Inspiration won’t show up unless you do. Dreams won’t work unless you do. Do the work.

 

4. Don’t Live According to Someone Else

Family, friends, and society in general, all have an ideal when it comes to how we should be living. There are no shortage of expectations—and if/when you go against the grain, be prepared for some major backlash and guilt. But do it anyway. If you want something that is seen to be outside of the norms, this response is inevitable. Just remember: no one else can or should determine what you do with your time or your life. Live according to your wants and needs and let other people’s opinions take a backseat.

 

5. Don’t Let Fear Dictate

Fear of failure or even (mind-blowingly) fear of success can cripple you. Don’t let it. Acknowledge the fact that fear is an absolutely routine factor when undertaking something new. Be afraid—but don’t let it stop you; let it challenge you.

 

6. Embrace Change

Changes are inevitable. Don’t fight them. Changes—be it changes within yourself or someone close to you, or even changes in your circumstances—can leave you feeling lost or have you hankering for the past like a nostalgic dreamer. The past is gone. It’s okay to open yourself to new interests and new people. Treasure your old memories but allow yourself to make new ones.

 

7. Acknowledge Your Differences

It’s okay to be different. It’s okay to be the odd one out. From an early age, we’re programmed with the need to ‘fit in’. With adulthood comes a liberating sense of self that can override that need. Embrace who you are and nurture your individuality. Carve your own path.

 

First posted June 2017.

These are reminders. Keep striving.