There is a difference between the roles we are pushed into performing versus the roles we willingly step into. Capacity increases when there is autonomy.
Choice. Boundaries. Respect. Responsibility.
Awareness of these things across all dynamics (not just those which serve a self-centric purpose or a point to be made for deflection’s sake) allows for a sense of purpose unhindered by external influence, but that’s in an ideal world. In the current state and situation, I am influenced by false perceptions, distraught and often despondent and yet I persist, driving forward with the knowledge of what is true, not speculative. External perception burdens me with a weight that isn’t mine to carry and yet even when I set it down and let it go, it’s thrust upon me time and time again. Every day becomes a battle of will to keep moving forward, finding safety and reassurance in knowing that I am responsible, sensible, careful, yet vulnerable enough to show humility, accept failures and mistakes and to make amends and show forgiveness where needed. It has been a long road back to self-trust, and I trust that I am enough, even on the days I don’t quite believe it.
I am no longer a ‘stupid girl’. That’s a role I was pushed into, a role I only stopped playing when I ‘broke’ apart. ‘We play roles for the people in our lives and we wake up one day realising that we can’t perform anymore.‘ I am not here to be cast into a role of someone else’s play. Act three has been and gone. That show is over.
There is freedom in recognising and remembering that.
