Fair advocacy for only one member in my relationship led to unfair treatment of me. That’s a fair and honest statement. People demanded proof, insisted on first-hand demonstrations that not only could I do the things I said I could, but that my struggle was exactly as I said it was. If it looked any different than the expectation, it raised questions. If there were fluctuations, it raised yet more questions. The extent of it was violating, and yet, several people became so caught up in fair advocacy that they overlooked the fairness of their own methods, and somehow, there was no one around to point out their biases and flaws, at least not in time for it to prevent my mental breakdown.
Since witnessing not only my struggle but my daily triumphs despite my struggles, armed now (I hope) with more knowledge than they began with, and more acceptance of the depth of my knowledge and compassion within the situation and of the dynamics within my own relationships, it would seem that for some time now, many of those same people who hounded me and lorded their righteous ideals with threats and humiliation, are now in a place where they are burdened with an urgency to compensate for the damage they dealt.
Both these things (the initial harassment and the compensation for it) are a hindrance to and within my life, and I’ve tried very hard at both forgiveness and gratitude, and find myself spent.
This process, of talking or writing about the things which occurred is very much about my recovery, and if people were even halfway decent, they would let me do this in privacy. As it stands, the violation of my privacy is still in full swing, so I am sharing what I can, and trying to accept that there is power in telling my story, and that I can give myself permission to claim back that bit of power that’s been taken from me.
It reached a point some time ago where I no longer need to specifically know anymore, who has been responsible for what, even though knowing does often help. I am able to accept that there are some things we simply cannot know for a multitude of reasons. That said, if the reason here is that people are too cowardly to be accountable for their behaviour, long term, I think that affects them more than if affects me. I am making my peace with not the just the fact that there are some things that are unknowable but that some people are simply cowardly especially when it comes to facing themselves. Additionally, it is more important to me that sooner rather than later, those who are responsible for how they behaved towards me will come to their senses and recognise the error in both their behaviour and judgment. They’ve been keen to impart perceived wisdom while overlooking both wisdom itself, and the ability to cope by any means beside their own. I find that disappointing, not for the sake of impact but sincerely disappointed by the shortsightedness and narrow mindedness.
What’s interesting and somewhat unsettling is that the more they attempted (and temporarily succeeded) to condition me to their ideals, the more rigid I became, the less understanding I became, and the less compassionate I became. When I became either an ideal image of themselves or indeed someone to simply unleash their hatred upon, I was insufferable. I couldn’t stick myself, I can tell you that much, and I felt like a stranger to myself.
Lately though, a recurring theme has been an increase of deflection towards groups, back towards my family, towards old communities, and what I’m finding is not psychological reversal but a fair consideration of much of it. Even as in the past, these prompts would alarm me, or influence me, I am in a place where my mind is clear and fast enough now as it once was, but with new language and terms for many of the struggles I continue to cope with and better acceptance of the stigma that comes with that and more determination to break that down, instead of being broken down once more myself by those who wield it.
I think in this instance, not accepting the bait of those who use deflection to better defend their antagonistic positions, I remain ambiguous. And I think that’s a fairer approach anyway to not specifically name every thing and every one. It then gives them an opportunity to address what they see fit as and when their vision clears.
It’s kinder and more compassionate to let them find their way, in their time to the level of awareness many of us find in hardship having come through it without being entirely lost to it.
I’m leaving it open.
The downside to that as I have found in the past is that those who are strong enough and willing to address these issues within themselves are those who come forward as much or further than I did. We become the scapegoats; too much is then directed there. As though, when flaws in the self are addressed it somehow transforms a single person into a culprit of all the world’s evils. While that statement is melodramatic, the irony is that society is quick to redirect full blame of many on any single person who openly acknowledges a mistake. Owning behaviour, past or present, opens a doorway, but even as you open it, willingly, there are those who insist on kicking it the rest of the way in, rampaging through everything as though they have a right to.
Meanwhile, those who stay quiet or hidden or successfully deflecting, don’t receive any attention most of the time, whether fair or not.
In the long run, it is clear to me this is sort of a rite of passage. There was no other way through this unless people had been different in their response. If people had been more compassionate, sensible, and understanding in how they perceived it and responded to it. If they had not been so quick to make the judgements they made or acted on those judgments. Then perhaps this might not have been the terrible rite of passage it was.
I am not in control of those other people’s behaviour. Those same folk insisted that I gain control of myself but gave no such weight to their own behaviour. It’s interesting.
I think those of us who have been scapegoats will come through on the other side faster than those who cannot face themselves, if, that is, we are strong enough to endure society’s misplaced wrath.
