I was not digging around in the past. It was enough to know where something was buried, that there was something buried to begin with. The tangibility of it gave my pain acknowledgement and in having that, I was able to admit and address my issues without as much fear.
I had to trust that between the time that thing was buried and the unearthing of it, I have grown enough so that the buried thing might quake in my shadow, might wither, and fade, so that I can finally have the light, so that it cannot choke the roots of who I am, so that I could blossom and bear fruit.
It took me nearly forty years to be well enough to have a child. When I did, too many people saw only the twisted external remains of who I was when that buried thing refused to let go. They could not see beyond the battle, only the battle itself. They could not see the beauty of fresh hope at the centre, and they were too arrogant to simply let me grow.
I grew, anyway.
An overlooked but vital part of becoming a well-adjusted human is space for those changes to occur. When there is no space in childhood to do those things, it creates an unexplored aspect with the mind of a person; for me, this has been preyed upon in adulthood. Those things which should have been corrected in a safe space, changed after having been accepted, was doubly reinforced as wrong and unacceptable because as well as not having the space to grow in childhood, too many periods within adult life offered even less room to grow. It created something of me that was not authentically who I am or ever would have become without abuse.
This is the part they call the ‘messy middle’. This is the part I am yet to edit enough to reach a shareable nugget of truth without perpetuating an already complicated process of the human experience. This is the part I’m only just coming through with my authentic self tucked safely at my core.
I accept the responsibility of cycle-breaking along with those who are going through those same changes. I accept where we are and our endeavours so we can keep striving towards a better future. Change cannot happen without acceptance.
We should always try to remember that for ourselves and others.
