It starts with Nova… Overcoming fear and doubt and learning to trust myself again helped to lift that feeling of censorship. It helped me rediscover my strength, my words, my voice, and a truer sense of purpose. I simply held my daughter tonight and told her things I’ve wanted to express since she came into the world. I told her I love her; she might never know how much I love her until perhaps she has a child of her own. I hope there is no obstacle in her life so terribly great that she ever doubts what she means to me.
I told her I want her to have space and freedom to be exactly who she is. I hope she is happy but when she isn’t, I want her to have courage to explore that. I want her to push the boundaries while she has the means to do so safely, so that when she is grown, she’ll have the means and motivation to deal with everything life throws her way.
I told her I am here to help her learn how to do that—and without her knowing as much, she is, in turn, helping me to cope and to grow; she gives me strength to find new ways to be a better person.
I told her that I named her Nova Grace because Nova means new and is an event within the cosmos which gives light and Grace is a virtue. Together, her name represents new light and grace in my life. Whether she lives by her namesake or not won’t change what it means for me and I know this in the same way I know that there is nothing that can ever sever the connection I have with her. There is truly nothing quite like it; if there is, I’m yet to experience it.
At thirty weeks pregnant — not the magical time everyone said it would be but a miracle nonetheless, I knew I wanted my child to grow up with the kind of freedom that allowed them to be whoever they chose to be, with the ability to withstand judgement and not let it change them unless it was authentic.
Wherever my daughter takes her place on any spectrum in life, I am always going to support her. I only hope that she will where she can, choose right over wrong and kindness before cruelty. I want her to know that she will make mistakes, as we all do, and that she should not feel ashamed of them, but view them as lessons to take with her into the future, the way I wish I had had the strength to do every time in my own life, even when other voices were louder than my own. I hope I can show her how to have the will to speak up without shouting, to be strong without throwing her weight, to be brave without recklessness. I want for her to learn how to do this without enduring hardships but I will prepare her for the inevitable hardships she will face.
My hope for her is that she will come to understand as I have that adversity hones us. My hope for her is that the resilience she has coursing through her, and the generations before her, will stay with her as she navigates her way through the world.
She is the light of my life, and I can only hope that I can help her see how brightly she shines.
From My Journal 08.01.2023